The Rekindling

I apologize for the very long hiatus. Recently, I lacked the compulsion to write anything...anything.

I have been spending a lot of my time alone. Though that line usually comes with a tragic tone, ignore it- that's not applicable here. Thus, my time is spent with my thoughts mulling in my head. I am not bombarded by the intercessions of differing opinions. I must admit it is very restorative; however, a lack of human contact always ends in a form of lacking (especially for me). It is something I know all too well as a only child. Bottom line- in the past, people have always exhausted me, on account of my constant expulsion of energy and effort. I hope you know that it was never in vain, or for the sole entertainment and accommodation of the other person. I simply get excited. It is strange, but I become my full myself when I am conversing with people. There are limits though. I approach some situations with such vivacity that my easily wear myself out. It is a satisfying feeling though.

I was supposed to move to New York for a talent management internship. Sadly, it did not pull through because I did not have a paying job in Manhattan, and my parents are not very supportive of my aspirations as a film executive. To their dismay, I have never lacked the ambition to be in the entertainment industry. Sounds cliche but it really makes a difference when your parents give you a pat on the back. It is not fair to say they held me back. I am codependent of their approval, hinging on that fact that they are the only people I unconditionally care about. I don't fall in love easily, nor do I get too attached to friends. My semi-transient childhood is not to blame, but it set the foundation for my lack of attention to people who are not my parents. They were the only permanence in my life, and somehow I find it disrespectful to stray from their needs and expectations. I guess they don't have faith in the industry in allowing me to succeed. However, it manifests as me lacking in talent and smarts for the job. They know I will never become a doctor, but they seem to put down any chance of me becoming anything else. Basically, it is a dead end. I might as well become a nurse, stay home and take care of them till they expire...

I fear that is my destiny...

I know. What a dour topic...

I just needed to vent.