Deontology

I know what you are thinking. Another big word as a header, what a pretentious writer...
I can acknowledge that I may seem to be certain things, but only I can see the underlying motivation for my countenance and actions. Do I have a fear of being more than I am? Yes, most definitely. Aren't we all? We would seem foolish, if we were guilty of this.

DEONTOLOGY- I forgot the exact definition. All I can recall is that it means: something you ought to do.
Words inspire me. Language is most profound when it used with proper inflection, diction, and syntax. In a nutshell, communication- the simple conveyance of the inner thoughts swirling in our personal cranium is the most beautiful thing in this world. I know there are other beautiful things, but let us focus on this topic.

All my life, I have struggled with my autonomy and the things demanded of me by parents and society. I know I am not an isolated case. For some reason, I found some peace with this dilemma. I feel no longer propelled to listen to anyone else- even if they say "you suck." I actually have not been lamenting on my imaginary chains.

I hate to admit this, but all the sudden I have this heaviness on my heart.

Maybe, it is because I saw "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"...

I feel lonely. How can I feel lonely, when I never been the opposite? I think I know why. For one moment, I experienced the calming quietude of a parallel understanding, in other words, a mutual co-existence that can be likened to the feeling of a home. It was only a couple minutes, but in that moment, I believe I felt an aspect of love- a natural companionship. All I can say was that I was in a tent. I was working on my philosophy homework, and he was looking at music videos on my ipod. I will not go into details, because I do not want to appear any more sappy than I am now- disclosing my past romantic experience in a blog when stricken with a surprise hormonal depression. I feel warm recalling the experience, but empty on realization of the recall as a thought, not an actuality. I guess when there is nothing tangible, it is always missed. Sometimes, I feel as if my words do not penetrate others. I speak strangely at times, mostly in an abstract manner, because I'm not disciplined or sharp enough to deliver concise narratives. Someone understood my verbose handicap. I was only for a short time. He never really wanted me. However, I cannot help but feel grateful for the chance to be myself with someone. No filters. It was a vulnerable position that does more harm than good. Nevertheless, it made me realize that some of the most pleasurable and fulfilling experiences in life can come from communicating with another person. Also, soft yellow lighting from the tent added to the romantic aesthetic :)

Do not worry. No more LOVE posts. I hardly go into these types of rants. I believe its because I took one of my mom's 50+ multivitamins. It might of had extra hormones in it for menopausal women.

Happy New Year everyone.

Wow. I don't even write like this...

Oh well.