I've neglected this blog, because I felt it served no purpose. However now, I realize that it connects me to about most three people. Meager numbers? No. Not to me. My self-induced isolation does not come without its paradoxes. Often, I hide for the privacy sake, yet when I hit the degree of a hermit, I explode with irrelevant and garrulous chatter.
This will be one of them:
Recently (these past few months), I have come to accept my slow trajectory in achieving my goals. I am pissed, often pissed that any day I could cease to exist when all my plans and sequential strategized action considers the potential. Foolish it seems. Well, this is the new me. Slow and steady Catherine. I kinda hate it. Every second that goes by I become anxious.
They say plan for the the next day, plan for your retirement, but still live for the moment as if it was your last. Remedy for this quandary? Easy they say. Strike a balance and you will find peace knowing their is an unknown, yet utilizing what is known. Abstract terms for the quarter life crisis of a 23 year old. Lately, I have been trying to retain a sense of my frivolity, not the immature aspect, but more or less a sense of childish purity and creativity while keeping in line with adult responsibilities. I can honestly say that the latter is taking more precedence, due to its sheer quantity, hindering the time allowed for a little diversion. Maybe I am afraid of evolving away from the person I know and love today. Will she become bitter and cold? Will she forget how to trust others after solely putting that trust in herself at the exclusion of everyone else? I beginning to sense a early adult theme here. Hopefully it is only a phase as opposed to a perpetual soul vs. external world conflict. Maybe my fears stem from insecurity and mistrust with myself and others? It is silly how a string of bad experiences create some sort of permanent psyche trauma. I am learning from my mistakes to the best of my knowledge, however; my former gung ho self has produced another person with severe risk aversion. I've taken many risks in the past and have failed at 90 percent of them. I'm serious. I'm beginning to think that my "fight or flight" system is not properly working. Sometimes, I question whether this is something I should change or keep? Again, it is relative, depending on the circumstance, but from the personal statistic, it seems that I take risks during the wrong circumstances.
Concrete examples: I switch from Philosophy to Biology in my Junior year. I pick the bad boy over the nice boy. I get on a plane and visit friends during breaks, when their obviously a terror alert. There are others, but I don't want to recount how stupid I have been.
You can say I can be impulsive. I hate saying the word, because it implies I never think before I act. However, I'd like to think that I over think before I act. Now...now I took the opposite extreme. I hate risk now, because it often ends in more trouble.
Can strike a balance between this persona duality of Crazy Catherine vs. Dutiful Catherine. I like both side equally. Nevertheless, my dilemma lies in knowing when is appropriate. I guess only time will provide me more practice.
I do not wish for perfection or absolute happiness. I just want things to be feel right with people and life in general. I want to be around like minded people, not because I am narrow-minded, but because I've estranged myself from a sense of community. I guess I am ready to let people and situations betray and hurt me again. I think it will be less painful, but it is nothing new to me. Who am I to think I am invincible ? Nothing goes as planned, but in the past, I have become the collateral damage of other people's stupidity. My ignoramus actions are my full responsibility, but other's lax approach make me very hesitant to take the risk- the risk of letting others into my life.
I just want maximum effectiveness with what I have. In other words... How I am I my best self without hiding what is already on the table? Second, how do I let in the right people. Here is an analogy: How does one have a stupendous and rip roarin party with handful of people as opposed to a full house? I suppose it could be a matter of situation- my present life aka time and circumstance situation. If you cannot push the shape into the hole, try another hole. Will I just have to wait?
Hoping to find my niche- a place where I am free to be the REAL Catherine AGAIN, especially without assholes who hang on for the ride. Lastly, I will try to be more evolved from my foolish mistakes, but still foolish enough to try to have fun while contributing to society. There is a balance I can try to achieve for the rest of my life, even if I die tomorow... It is not that mundane and practical that I feel that I haven't done anything of vivacity, and not that zealous that I die penniless at retirement age. I guess the see saw is a perpetual symbol of our struggles with the ideal existence. I think mine needs some oil.
Verdict: Everything is unresolved, but that is the point, that is work, and that is the filler of all our own timeline.
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